I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize