Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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