Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
