I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
