She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
