I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize