i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
