yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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