he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
