Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize