she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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