Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
