This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
