Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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