I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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