I will die if light touches me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The best revenge is premature balding
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
