I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
