Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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