You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize