I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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