I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
