I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
