apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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