I met the friendliest cop last night
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
