I think I died a long time ago.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
