get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
they're like a gay fantastic four
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
