I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
