Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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