i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
