We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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