I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
