My sheets look like a crime scene.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
