Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
