and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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