i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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