Only a mothe r could love this liver
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
