She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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