last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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