My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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