Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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