I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
