I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
