Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
