My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
