youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
