The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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