i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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