He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
