I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
