I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
