So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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