I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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