Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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