I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
