I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
