Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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