Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
