Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
