He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
