oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
