I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
